How to raise Successful Children
About the Author Joe Holmes

How to raise Successful Children has been a project of my entire life. I did not start out to write a book but to stop the pattern of abuse so my children could be more successful. Since the ten step process I learned worked for me and our children I have felt compelled to share it. No child deserves to be abused and the worst abuse is believing you are not loved no matter what your age may be.

There were several incidents in my life that have helped me learn my ten step program to raise successful children. They are:

• First as an abused child experiencing what should not be done and motivating me to change
• Second to live with my Aunt and Uncle Jean and Lew Maughan in Hyrum, Utah my senior year of High School where I experienced a happier lifestyle and had the opportunity to observe parenting without abuse.
• Third the good fortune to marry a wonderful wife who had perfect parents who accepted me and showed me respect and love. Had I not observed my wife's parents I may never have believed there could be perfect parents. They and my wife have contributed many positive aspects of this book and my life.
• Fourth to work for a year at a Youth Ranch for dysfunctional boys where I learned a wonderful process to increase love within a highly structured environment. A process that almost instantly improved our boy's attitudes, behavior, cleanliness, grades, and self esteem. Other staff on the ranch frequently commented on how our boys had changed.
• Fifth to apply what I learned so that our six children left home with far better self esteem and ability to succeed than I had when I left home.

Here is a little of my story:

I was raised in a very rough poor area on the West side of Boise, Idaho. My brother and I reflected years later that almost every boy our ages in that area had been in reform schools or prison.

My home was a dysfunctional home where I never heard, “I love you.” Almost every discipline was done in a spirit of frustration or anger. The rod (1x4) was often broken over my behind and I heard frequently phrases similar to, “How could you do something so bad”, “we never set that kind of example”, “you are an embarrassment to us”, “how could you do this to us.” Other frequent phrases were, “A child is to be seen not heard”, “Little pitchers have big ears” and "You fool." These and many similar statements taught that my parents were superior and made me feel like a slave. Of most importance, this attitude taught disrespect and anger, not love. I would gladly re-experience double the physical abuse if I could have felt love and respect. It is the lack of expression of love that has been the most damaging in my life.

As a child when visitors came to our home I and my siblings would go to them with a craving for attention and we were a terrible nuisance. Some understood why, but most did not, including our parents. This and similar personality traits make it easy for me to spot an abused child where others cannot. The fact that friends of my parents could not or would not see what was happening was frustrating. I thirsted for someone to see and help. My parents put up a great front, and others only saw their good works. They were deeply religious. I frequently heard, “How lucky you are to have such good parents.” Yes, they were good to neighbors and the community. My father was the most honest hardworking person I have ever known. My mother was similar. I learned many good values and character traits from them for which I will always be thankful. To this day some who knew me as a child still think I am ungrateful.

A wise councilor once told me abuse in the name of righteous authority is the worst kind of abuse. It creates the perception that if the parent is good and they tell the child they are bad they have to be right. It makes the child believe they are the one at fault. It is similar to the attitude of children of divorce or a victim of a crime who blame themselves for the situation.

When I was sixteen, I ran away from home, hitchhiking eighty miles to a family who used to be our neighbor. I was sent back three days later. A year later I was preparing to run away again and determined I would never be found. I had enough determination that I would have never been found. Fortunately my parents realized it, and sent me to live with an Aunt and Uncle. I can never repay my Aunt and Uncle for their saving example and love to me.

My parents both came from dysfunctional backgrounds and did not know how to discipline without anger. Because I only knew criticism without love as a child I wanted to break the cycle for my children. I appreciate my parent’s examples of honesty and integrity. I believe they did the best they knew how. It has taken me many years to let go of my anger toward my parents and completely forgive. It is their lack of knowing how to show love that inspired me to develop this plan and to write it for others. My first step was the blessing of foster parents who demonstrated better parenting skills and love. The second was an intense desire to find out how. My third step was the fortunate providence to find a wife who had experienced a happy childhood and had the patience to help me. My fourth step was to work at a youth ranch to learn a better way. With this background and desire to avoid doing the same to my children I began to develop this program. It has given our children a happier and more balanced childhood than I had. I certainly was not able to overcome all my mistakes; however with this program I learned how to give greater love than I received. It has proven itself in changing dysfunctional boys in an institutional setting and then on to help show my own children love.

I hope this program may help other parents give their children greater self esteem and love.

Our world needs confident honest loving people.

(Taken Nov. 2001, information as of June. 2008) Front row Left to right; Bill (2) in medical school married with 3 children, Charee (5) a travel agent married with 2 children, Jean (6), died Oct. 2002 age 18, Tim (3) died Jan. 2008 age 33, Back row left to right; Eric (4), Regional Manager for Papa John’s Pizza married with 3 children, Joe (Father), Ann (Mother), and Joanne (1) School teacher with a Masters in Education married with 4 children. (#) denotes birth order. Jean and Tim's web memorials

Taken July 2007 (every member of our family at that time is pictured)
As of July 2008 our son Tim died and two grand children have been added

May God bless and help you, who are parents and grand parents in the most important work you can ever do.

Joe Holmes

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